At Disneyland with Tonsillitis

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Unable to sleep at night, anxious with anticipation, I was days away from my first trip to Disneyland at age 8. Then, a day prior, I woke up with tonsillitis. I didn’t tell my parents because I wasn’t about to miss out on the Magical Kingdom. Although my throat was on fire, the pain was more tolerable when I walked through the gates and into the make believe world full of characters I had only seen on TV on Saturday morning.

Pain—whether emotional or physical—is often with us throughout our lives and we often tolerate discomfort by focusing on something external similar to my childhood trip to Disneyland. As adults, this is often a materialistic reward—a new dress, piece of furniture, a vacation or a new car.

As we age into oldest years, both emotional and physical pain from illness, loss of independence and death of loved ones surrounds us each day. Tolerating these injustices by looking forward to diversions is more difficult as we are limited in what we can do or experience.  We can’t plan a day at the park or a visit to a friend if we don’t have transportation. We can’t “buy” our way out of pain if we are on a fixed income.

Yet, according to research, while most older adults will admit to multiple illnesses or physical limitations, they also claim to be happy and in good health. Why is that? Fortunately, for most, they have given up the false comforts of materialism and instead, they enjoy reflecting upon an inner strength that allows them to live in a state of hope and purpose that helps them tolerate pain. Many older adults and researchers refer to this inner strength as spirituality.

Spirituality for some is about a structured religious experience; others reflect on their inner strength that comes from a God that they have defined; others look to nature to provide meaning; and for others, their inner joy and healing may come from the experience of their creative selves.

In working with the oldest old and I am touched by the heroic efforts to mitigate the pain and loss that is present for most. Their simple, pure expression of spirituality gives joy, hope and purpose. We all have the opportunity to call upon this strength but it requires a conscious exploration of what spirituality means to each of us individually.

Often, we find the time to explore our inner strength only when the artificial diversions that come from a materialistic life are removed. No Disneyland, no trip to the mall, no trip to the Caribbean; just the quiet to explore the strength within.

~ Susan

TRIPS, POPCORN AND MOVIES FOR PARENTS!

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When I began looking at assisted living homes for my 92-year old dad, I found some amazing places offering game rooms, ice-cream parlors, all-day popcorn machines, opportunities for group trips to casinos and even cruises. Wow. I was ready to move in myself.

Most of the large and/or chain assisted living or continuing-care homes have well-paid marketing specialists who realize that their target audience is often the adult children of older adults. These adult children are often active Boomers who, themselves, would enjoy having a full schedule of activities available.

It’s hard, at any age, to think of those much younger or much older than we are so we think about what it’s like for us and apply those feelings and thoughts to our parents.

I try to remind myself that at 64, I don’t want, need or enjoy many of the accouterments of a 35-year old. I would hate for my 35-year-old son to define my lifestyle through his personal perspective of what brings him joy and purpose.

If it’s necessary for your parents to move into some type of assisted living, consider bringing in an objective third party such as a Geriatric Care Manager experienced in working with elders. Then, with this objective third party, you and your parent(s) can explore what environment truly supports an empowering and purposeful daily life. Many, particularly when over 85, prefer a smaller environment that is better supported in adult foster care or, if at all possible, additional help so that they can “age in place” in their home.

 

 

5 Ways to Shake Up a Caregiving Rut

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Are you feeling exhausted, stressed out, guilty or plain fed-up about caring for an elder? Often when a caregiver is frustrated, so is the elder. Stop doing what you are doing that isn’t working and consider SHAKING IT UP!

Time Together

Elder: As we age in to the oldest old years it becomes a time of loss. Elders lose friends, physical abilities, independence, dignity and seemingly anything resembling control. Everyone else thinks they know what’s best for them and often do not bother to ask for the elder’s opinion. Decisions from the unimportant issues like when they may want a bath or what they want to eat to the big life changes like taking away a driver’s license or deciding where they want to live. These choices become dependent on other’s availability or needs rather than the desires of the elder.  Often days are filled with an abundance of time to focus on not feeling well, medication concerns or side effects, next doctor’s appointments, boredom, and how to get some more attention from whom ever can fit you in to their busy schedules. It’s no wonder elders have a reputation for being cranky. Depression and suicide rates are high in the elderly. White males over 80 have the highest suicide rates in the elder population. National Institute Mental Health reports, “Depressive disorder is not a normal part of aging. Emotional experiences of sadness, grief, response to loss, and temporary “blue” moods are normal. Persistent depression that interferes significantly with ability to function is not.” The problem with negative feelings in the brain is when we dwell in negative thoughts we have more negative thoughts, so disruption in the situational sadness may help those with normal mood changes become more engaged.

 

Caregiver: Maybe you love the person you care for, maybe you don’t, but either way you are the one in the trenches doing the work. If you’re lucky you have support from other family and friends, but then again they may be causing a lot of the stress involved in caring for an elder. But still, each day you roll up your sleeves and do it all from errands and medical visits to cleaning backsides and dirty dishes, only to get up and do it all again tomorrow. If you are a long distance caregiver you spend twice as much money as a local caregiver trying to support your elder and panic every time the phone rings, not to mention the struggle with guilt that you want to be with your elder more; or guilt because you are happy to be with them less. You hear about self-care and how important it is, but you are baffled by who has time when your head is down and you are just trying to get through the day, week, and month! Possibly you are part of the sandwich group who have several generations you are caring for at home and another job outside the home.

Does any of this resemble what is unfolding for you in your caregiving journey? Well you are in a very large club. In 2012, 15.4 million family and friends provided 17.5 billion hours of unpaid care to those with Alzheimer’s and other dementias alone. Eighty percent of care provided in the community

is delivered by unpaid caregivers. and the majority of caregivers are women over 45. With numbers like these, being in a caregiver’s rut could be the next national health hazard!

 

So how do we shake it up, find the silver linings or just simply do it different? Let’s begin with deconstructing the pattern…

 

  1. Dialogue ~ look at the routine you have when talking with an elder. Is it utilitarian habit or are you engaged in meaningful conversations? Do you talk to them as a petulant child or cower every time they raise their opinion? Communication tools can go a long way here. If the elder you care for has cognitive disorders, watch some of Teepa Snow’s http://teepasnow.com/wp/ training videos on communication skills for elders with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease or catch one of her talks locally (see her website for details). Some very basic changes can make a world of difference. For mentally healthy elders, communication tools are still very useful. Lifelong patterns over the family life course can make it difficult to change patterns but there are tools to help. Activities that create new ways of talking can be around the elder’s need to share stories. Engage in storytelling tools and activities at a level the person can handle. From computers, journaling, genealogy research or simply inquisitively chatting over a bath or over the phone can make a mundane activity more of an adventure. Elders have a need to tell their stories over and over as a way of processing their lives as time here grows shorter. This is where the details of life live and this rich activity will yield pearls for you as well as the elder.
  2. Outings ~ A friend recently told me that upon visiting her parents a few months ago in another state she took them out for a drive. Her father barely ambulatory and her mother prone to falls were thrilled to be going out. On this journey she surprised them and took them to their favorite Jazz Club where they went when they were younger. She enlisted the help of a waiter and got them situated in the back of the room. As the music played on she said she could see the years melt away and their younger selves emerge. For 3 hours they enjoyed a part of life that had been lost to them. They have a code name now for when she comes to visit so that other family members do not know what they are up to on these outings. How empowering! This could not have been an easy outing for my friend, but it gave her immense pleasure and changed her parent’s outlook completely. If this is too adventurous for your elder perhaps just a drive around town; or closer to home set up a Skype session with an old friend, do some snail mail letter writing or perhaps engage in a beloved hobby like baking where they can sit close by and “teach” you a favorite recipe. If your elder has cognitive issues, setting the table, walking through the garden, folding laundry, or dancing all become enjoyable new adventures. Don’t give into the usual routine; Shake It Up so it is fun for you as well. Portland has a beautiful Alzheimer’s memory garden where you can take your elder (http://www.portlandmemorygarden.org/PMG/Welcome.html).
  3. Self Care ~ OK we are diving in the deep end now. Funds are low, time is scarce and what is self care anyway? Simply put it is a change of environment to recharge your batteries. Connect with the spiritual side by gardening, taking a labyrinth walk, attending church or joining a choir or painting class. Identify something that brings personal joy and fulfillment for a few minutes a day and a few hours a week and a few days a month. No one will give you permission to enjoy something without regard for others, so you must be strong enough to go for it without permission from anyone but yourself. Typically caregivers put themselves last, which makes you the worst advocate for your own selfcare. By putting yourself last, you will likely have less patience and unlikely to find joy in your caregiving role. Magical things happen when you practice self care. Perhaps your biggest challenge is getting a good night’s sleep. If you can afford it, hire a professional caregiver to come in 2 nights a week so you know you will get some relief. If you are long distance, hire a Geriatric Care Manager to pop in and check on your elder and/or his care givers every week or month. If funds are tight, barter with friends to come spend the night in exchange for a homemade pie or watching their elder or child during the day. Get creative and reach out to local support groups and social services that will allow you the time you need when you need it. If you schedule it on the calendar it will happen. There are some ways to combine self care with your care giving activities. Give your elder a sacred foot massage and make a ritual of lighting a candle and using lotion or oil with a scent like lavender or chamomile. Then if the elder is able have them do the same to you. If you can afford to have someone come in and give you both foot massages then make it a weekly or monthly routine. There are many massage therapists who will come to your home. My favorites are Sister Emma at the Franciscan Center in Milwaukie, Oregon (503-794-8542) or Sister Delores at St. Mary’s in Beaverton (503- 944-9641). The important thing is to schedule the time and make sure it happens. Have someone come in for one day a week and you decide what you feel like doing that day. The answer may be nothing or a nap. That is OK! Learning to ask for help is the biggest challenge for caregivers. Do it, you will be surprised where the help comes from. You will be surprised once a routine is in place how your relationship with your elder improves. They may protest at first or even always when you leave them, but the benefits will come.
  4. Empowerment ~ it can be exhausting making decisions for another human being. Too often feelings of guilt or inadequacy flood in even when you are doing just fine. Know that nothing in the world is perfect and you simply being there is an amazing gift. The rest is all gravy. To help cope with the times it can be emotionally overwhelming, try learning a few mindfulness techniques. Our local psycho-therapist Donald Altman (http://www.mindfulpractices.com/) has some great tools for breathing and meditation that can help when things get stressful for you or if your elder is in a funk. Space cannot always be achieved physically, so having techniques to navigate through these times is priceless. These tools can be used by your elder as well. One of the best methods to decreasing your decision fatigue is by giving back some of the responsibility to the elder. Depending on your situation, the answer may be a modified version, but honoring their level of ability to give an opinion can go along way for both of you. Give your elder decision making power whenever possible. You are there to keep them safe. There are also local classes available designed by Legacy Health for Caregiver Help. This course is offered in many places from senior centers, hospitals, and even at the Franciscan Spiritual Center. The course is designed to teach you about community resources, care strategies, support group and self care. All great ideas to Shake Up your current routine.
  5. The Unexpected ~ If you haven’t already, begin building a support network: Online, in-person or host a weekly meeting in your home. Whatever you have to do to be with others going through the same important work you are doing. It is too common to become isolated with an elder. This is not good for you or them. Have some social activities in the home even if your elder does not engage. The presence of others can be soothing or annoying, so be aware of the best format for your situation. Online could be a great way to support long distance caregivers, start a facebook group and open it up for members. As life unfolds with your elder health challenges may increase, a need for hospice may arrive, or a medical need for a move into a nursing home or rehab center may happen. All of these situations can create crisis and stress for the caregiver and elder alike. Having medical, social, and caregiver support nets in-place can make the transitions easier. Our Geriatric Care Manager services can also be part of this safety net, there to pull the resources together to make sure the decisions for your elder are coordinated and serve the elder’s best interest through advocacy and care planning. Our website also offers tools and resources to help with these transitions www.FiresideCMG.com

 

As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the

difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed.

                                                                           – Vincent van Gogh

 

Grasshoppers Took the Sunshine Away

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While visiting my 87-year old Uncle and going through boxes of old pictures, we came across a letter that my Great Uncle Adolph dictated to his daughter, my mother’s niece. The letter spoke of their trials and tribulations and the hope and promise of migrating from Germany to Nebraska.

He spoke of trading one set of hardships for another. In Germany they were poor and had little hope of improving. In Nebraska, they had more opportunity to improve their lives but times in the 1930’s were tough. There was famine, poverty and for a while, the grasshoppers ruined the small crops that had survived.  He told his niece, “The grasshoppers took the sunshine away”—a poignant comment that stuck with me because it says much about the overall state of the struggles we all face in this life.  There are desperate, dark days when we think we will never see the sun again.

I think that aging for many is one of the toughest trials we face. The good news is that nearly all of us have survived and learned from a lifetime of difficult and sometimes devastating times. These challenges may be painful but they do leave us with tremendous coping skills that will serve us well when the going gets tough as we lose some of our independence through cognitive or physical loss.

Last week I met a woman in an assisted living facility who was confined to a wheel chair and her sight was nearly gone. Her hearing was marginal.  Yet she was a joyful, lovely person. I asked her what brought meaning and purpose to her at different times during her life and she said, “Oh it doesn’t change. I may not be able to dance a jig but my purpose was never about how I looked or what I did. It’s about enjoying every day the Lord gives me and realizing the beauty of this world.”

I pray that I that I use all my gifts and skills to help me age as gracefully as she is aging.  I doubt if the grasshoppers blocked her sunshine for any length of time!

Ten Minutes

Tired from a turn-around trip that began with a 6:15 am flight out of Portland, I waited at San Jose Terminal B, gate 23 for my return flight on Southwest. I had spend much of the past week preparing for the new business meeting that took me to San Jose. As I sat in the terminal following the meeting, I contemplated business, the slow economic recovery, money and retirement. Looking up from deep thoughts, I noted an older man, somewhat disheveled walking unevenly and tentatively toward the gate counter. With shaky hands he withdrew his ticket from his shirt pocket handing it to the gate agent, “Am I in the right place?” She responded automatically, “Yes” and offered nothing else. He looked around and walked towards the empty chair next to me. Knowing he was uncomfortable, I wanted to make up for the insensitivity of the gate agent.

I began, “Hi, are you flying home to Portland or visiting someone?”

“I’m going to visit my son. I haven’t flown in a very long time and I feel so unsure of myself.”

“It’s fine. Together we can listen for the boarding call and then I can show you where to line up. Has it been a long time since you’ve seen your son?”

Tears filled his eyes as he replied, “No, he and his brothers and sisters have visited me often recently. Their mom died three months ago after being on life support for too long.  It’s an awfully hard decision to know when to say “it’s time’ after more than 60 years of a life together. I just couldn’t let go and I think I made her suffer too long.”

 

Filled with his pain, I offered what seemed like empty platitudes, “There’s no way to know when the time is right and no one can guide that decision. It’s something you worked though, and when you were ready and you felt she was ready, you let her go.  There’s no timeline for letting go of the person you’ve loved so dearly.”

His smile of appreciation felt undeserved.

“I’m John.”

“Hi John. I’m Susan. It’s so nice to meet such a brave man.”

With a weak chuckle he said, “I’m not brave. In fact, I know this will sound bad but I’m not sure I will choose to stay around much longer. That must sound awful to you, but each day when I begin to wake and reach over to the empty place on the bed, I can barely breathe. I lay in bed sometimes till afternoon. Just waiting for the pain to leave, for her to talk to me, for something…I don’t even know what. I’m so empty inside.”

Frozen in grief I couldn’t find words, and I knew that nothing I said could answer his need.  Still the energy connection gripped me. His heaviness was now mine as well.

Slowly and painfully I offered, “I don’t judge you. I have told my children that I when I’m done, I’m done. My father died recently—he was 95 and he very much wanted to die for the last two years of his life. It hurt me terribly to watch him. He even asked me to help him die and I could do nothing.  He thought he wanted to die when he was about 85 and my mother died. The first year was the worst.  After that he began going back to church, getting out a little more, and he found he had more life to live. Meaning and purpose may shift for you too.”

“I don’t know. I can’t see beyond today. I don’t really want to visit my son although I love him. It takes so much energy and I’m exhausted. I’m hoping that if I force myself, I might find some relief.  Traveling is hard on me. I’m uncomfortable asking for help or directions. I feel like people look at me like I’m just a helpless old man. I’m getting forgetful—happens when you are old.”

“John, I’m forgetful and I’m 63. I don’t know when this “forgetfulness” started for you but it started for me in my 20’s when I had four children!  It’s not exclusive to being older. It comes about because we accumulate years and years of to do lists, of birthdays, of 85 years worth of schedules and memories we want to hold onto.  People think so many things are old age related when in fact aging begins the day we’re born.”

He laughed and his hand grabbed my hand and he simply said “Thank you.”

The gate agent called for A boarding—my group. I asked John to move closer to the lines and told him that when they called for B boarding he would line up in the first column pointing to where he should stand. Noticing a seat near the line I suggested he sit until it was time to line up. As we walked together, I noticed a young woman making her way toward the seat. Touching her arm I asked if she’d mind if John sat. She nodded to him and said, “Of course not.”

John looked at her slyly and said, “Or I could sit and you could sit on my lap.”  Pleased with himself he lit up and we all laughed.

I was hopeful as I boarded the plane that his momentary joy might be a brief peek into a life of renewed purpose. He is such a beautiful soul and to have him leave this world early would be a loss for all those whose life he touched, including me. Ten minutes with John and my life is forever changed.

Susan Cain, Sometimes weary but recently enlightened life course traveler

Enjoying the Gifts of Aging

 

In our last blog, we wrote about the challenges of aging that can include significant loss but also comes with important gifts. In this blog, we explore how to find those gifts through reflection.

Reflection in older years, for most, is more than reviewing an event or a lifetime of events—it is an integration of all that one has experienced, of moving beyond the labels of “good” or “bad” and into a sense of comfort that, overall, we are complete.  In Aged by Culture, Margaret Morganroth Guelette’s beautifully speaks to the process of integration and the gift that comes:

If, in telling our state-of-being, we find some co-identities disliked but admitted; some discarded or defunct;    some unchanged; some improving; some in flux of new importance; some about loss and some about gain—all in all, the storied identities feel like possessions. Mine. Achievements of my telling and of my aging. Such achievements deeply and rightly matter to people.

English: Portrait of old woman sitting by a wi...

So if this “gift” is so available to all, why might older adults miss this opportunity? It’s not an issue of training or education—researchers have found that the desire to spend solitary time in reflection happens naturally for most. Yet, the compression of losses that often accompany oldest-old years can create a barrier to thoughts of anything beyond the very present pain and sadness that can accompany physical, emotional and cognitive decline.

As a loved one, friend or care provider, you can’t force anyone into seeking or walking the path toward integration. However, you can help create opportunities to connect with the deeper more soulful self that can lead to renewed spirituality and purpose.

It’s important that quiet time older adults spend reading, reflecting, and praying is respected as growth and not disparaged or seen and referenced as “living in the past” or labeling the older adult as depressed and withdrawn. Allow as much time as desired for the older adult to review, reflect, and rest in the quiet of contemplative thought.  If the older adult is open to talking about their past, ask questions and listen, listen, listen. If you are close to this older adult, your memory of an event may be different—avoid telling your version or offering any contradiction or correction, and instead embrace the process and the potential.

Some older adults connect to their integrated self through a more active participation with friends, relatives or others exploring and recording their autobiography. This can be approached informally by taping or writing either by the older adult or the stories can be told to someone who can transcribe the interview. Additionally, there are experts who can help create this opportunity including personal historians: http://www.personalhistorians.org/tell/find.php and Guided Autobiography (http://www.guidedautobiography.com/ ), also known as GAB. Some senior centers offer “narrative aging” groups. The Q Center in Portland offers such meetings led by fellow gerontologist, Susan Kocen.

elder kondeli yogi

Whether quietly reflecting over ones life or writing or telling one’s life story, the end result is often the awareness of one’s wisdom that comes from an accepted, honored, and integrated life. Recognizing wisdom that comes from a long lived life is not only a healing process leading to renewed purpose, but sharing that wisdom creates good will and connects generations that are often separated.

~ Susan

Changing The Discussion From “Age As Loss” to “Aging With Gifts”

Aging into “older” years is often feared and imagined as a sad time primarily marked by losses. The losses begin slowly—for most in their late 40’s: The graying and loss of hair and development of hearing and vision issues; loss of our ideal body image as we lose muscle mass and gain unwanted fat; loss of roles in leadership and power positions within the community and workforce. These may seem significant yet they pale in comparison to the losses yet to come: Of loved ones who precede us in death; of independence as we give up our driver’s license; of dignity as we find ourselves relying on others to help us overcome limitations caused by physical and/or cognitive losses; of our image of “home” as people move into our home to care for us or we move to assisted living facilities. The Government and science dwell on these losses. The Government worries about how to address the wave of Boomers that will all too soon become “needy” for financial support. Science sees dollars and interesting challenges in improving and prolonging life.

Interestingly, at any age or developmental stage, we can measure life by losses rather than gains. Our 30’s—a time of infinite possibilities for many—often includes tremendous loss as we begin our families: Decreased expendable income resulting from the medical bills, day care and education; the concern of childhood illnesses; increased expenses, demanding careers can leave us worried and sleepless. In our late 40’s we are often “empty nested” and find ourselves financially struggling in order to pay for college; perhaps we must downsize our home. Nevertheless, most see this time not in loss but rather as new opportunities to travel, to re-engage with our spouse, to identify a new lifestyle, to get back to a healthy body.

Why is it we aren’t as willing to embrace the opportunities of late life as we are in our younger years? Perhaps because in our 30’s, 40’s and 50’s we have so much life ahead to change our direction, to make new decisions, to experience “more”. Life abounds with external opportunities to prove our limitless selves. In our 70’s and 80’s and beyond, the runway is getting shorter and we become a science and we re bombarded with messages of “age as loss”. Nevertheless research has shown that there are tremendous gifts available to us in our older years that are unavailable to younger adults.

These gifts include the beauty of solitude: of a time when we can spend long hours reflecting on the meaning and purpose of our lives, explore our creative selves, participate in the joy and promise of spirituality. Older adults tend not to dwell on “what if” or “if only”, nor do they become stuck on the “not so good decisions” they made in younger years. Instead life shows itself as a rich integration of each and every experience—the good and not so good decisions. They come together to make us who we have become. This quiet time of reflection, of letting go of the materialistic and even power over our own bodies is a gift that can bring comfort and peace to guide us through the challenging terrain of aging into our final years.

As with any developmental stage of life, this path to an enlightened older self isn’t a direct path and it isn’t automatic or even easy. There is no denying that those experiencing older years will suffer physically and emotionally. However, as we give up control and power, we attain the ultimate gift: the wise spiritual self who is now freed to imagine and embrace that which is yet to come.

The older adult may need support in finding this time as “gift” rather than loss. But that is another blog. If you want ideas about how to support the enjoyment of being an older adult or how to support your parents’ opportunity in older years, watch for my next blog: “Enjoying the Gifts of Aging”.

~ Susan

Creating a Path to Wisdom

We can’t deny that aging can be challenging. Those living into oldest-old years may experience tremendous loss: of family and friends through death; of independence as they become limited through physical and cognitive changes; of loneliness when isolated at home or in a care facility. As discussed in an earlier blog, “Moving from ‘age as loss” to ‘aging with gifts’’’, the gift of reflection, spirituality and creativity are resources available to all that can connect or re-connect one to purpose, peace and confidence, providing important coping tools for overcoming loss. However, finding, holding on to, and enjoying the gifts may require support.

Reflection in older years for most is more than reviewing an event or a lifetime of events—it is an integration of all that one has experienced, of moving beyond the labels of “good” or “bad” and into a sense of comfort that, overall, we are complete.  In Aged by Culture, Margaret Morganroth Guelette’s beautifully speaks to the process of integration and the gift that comes:

If, in telling our state-of-being, we find some co-identities disliked but admitted; some discarded or defunct; some unchanged; some improving; some in flux of new importance; some about loss and some about gain—all in all, the storied identities feel like possessions. Mine. Achievements of my telling and of my aging. Such achievements deeply and rightly matter to people.

So if this “gift” is so available to all, why might older adults miss this opportunity? It’s not an issue of training or education—researchers have found that the desire to spend solitary time in reflection happens naturally for most. Yet, the compression of losses that often accompany oldest-old years can create a barrier to thoughts of anything beyond the very present pain and sadness that can accompany physical, emotional and cognitive decline.

As a loved one, friend or care provider, you can’t force anyone into seeking or walking the path toward integration. However, you can help create opportunities to connect with the deeper more soulful self that can lead to renewed spirituality and purpose.

It’s important that quiet time in reading, reflection, and praying is respected as growth and not disparaged or seen and referenced as “living in the past” or labeling the older adult as depressed. Allow as much time as desired for the older adult to review, reflect, and rest in the quiet of contemplative thought.  If the older adult is open to talking about her past, ask questions and listen, listen, listen. If you are close to this older adult, your memory of an event may be different—avoid telling your version or offering any contradiction or correction, and instead embrace the process and the potential.

Some older adults connect to their integrated self through a more active participation with friends, relatives or others exploring and recording their autobiography. This can be approached informally by taping or writing either by the older adult or the stories can be told to someone who can transcribe the interview. Additionally, there are experts who can help create this opportunity including Guided Autobiography (http://www.guidedautobiography.com ), also known as GAB. GAB is designed as a group process providing very specific questions that create a path to a positive integration of self. The process can be modified to support one-on-one interaction rather than through group participation. There are also GAB programs specific to religious or spiritual settings encouraging multigenerational interaction. For more info GAB, you can contact me via em: susanm@firesidecmg.com.

Whether writing or telling one’s life story, the end result is often the acknowledgement of wisdom that comes from an accepted, honored, and integrated life. Recognizing one’s wisdom is not only a healing process leading to renewed purpose, but sharing that wisdom creates good will and connects generations that are often separated.

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